While I have been reviewing my book I have come across many items that are unrelated and don’t fit into any particular chapter. In the interests of finishing the book more quickly I am going to leave them out of the book and put them individually on the blog over the next few months. Here is the first offering. It comes to my attention that I may have insulted overweight people and several other categories. This is not my intention, it is supposed to be a bit satirical and as it says in the title it is just observations and not intended to be judgmental. My own weight varies from being a bit overweight to fat bastard, the latter when I have been on a cruise. I held out against going on one for a long time but I had promised to try one and eventually did. Subsequently, I went on several more; I do have environmental concerns, and they are not very healthy, in fact they are temples of overindulgence. But the way I look at it my carbon footprint stops when I die, having been without issue as they say, or shortly after if you count my cremation. Cruises are useful for a chill out or to just get a taste of places that you can always return to another time if you like them. The picture is of the unfortunate Costa Concordia, it hit the rocks when the Italian captain was sailing too close to the coast to impress two young female passengers, who were on the bridge with him. He was also one of the first to be evacuated off the ship. My father was a ships captain and I am sure a lot more professional than this guy, so I have some salt water in my veins. Again, apologies if anyone feels insulted especially my family and friends and I love you all.
Yesterday it was Funchal, today is Thursday so this must be Santa Cruz de La Palma; what’s for dinner tonight and what’s the dress code? Breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and just in case you are still hungry there is a late-night buffet. Most of my fellow passengers are skiers, not snow skiers or even water skiers but people of my generation spending the kids’ inheritance. I must confess I am a bit embarrassed to be one of them, not that I have any kids, but they are of my generation. On the whole we are the ones who have the money and the spare time to go cruising. What immediately strikes me is that 90% of them are overweight; of those 50% grossly overweight and 15% morbidly obese. This observation has given me a kick up the arse, as I have allowed myself, much to my own disgust, to get a bit too overweight. I could blame this on being busy and having a dreadful weather this summer, so I was not able to get out onto the mountains very much, but the truth is it is really just idleness and greed. So, it is a bit of a wake-up call to see all these people shovelling food into their mouths and waddling about. What must the crew think of them, they are nearly all Philipinos. So helpful and friendly and patient, and thin, they need to be to work as hard as they do. I was once on a Caribbean cruise where there was a bar outside on the deck and the record they played almost constantly went “I ain’t dancing with no fat belly man”. What is amazing about my peers is that they are not even embarrassed in fact a lot of them seem to wear their obesity as a badge of pride. There are parallels with the third world here where traditionally only rich people are fat and getting fat is a way of showing that you are well off. Of course, in our world the reverse is true, and obesity is considered to be a disease of poverty. Perhaps getting fat on junk food is not the same as overindulging in good food and wine as the people on this ship are definitely not poor. On talking to them it seems that most have good pensions, in some cases they have downshifted property wise and trousered the profit.
As soon as the sun comes out they are stripped off; the men with their bellies hanging over their shorts the women in one-piece swimming costumes looking like a barrel on skinny legs, just like the fat ladies on a Donald McGill seaside postcard. Then there are the trips the “difficulties” of which have to be described in great detail in case anyone should, God forbid, have make a bit of an effort, these people are not disabled. This one has three steps to negotiate that one has 50 m of walking. Every time you stop it takes twenty minutes to unload the bus as they all waddle down the middle and have to tackle the steps. Some of them are just old, very old. If you go on a no-fly cruise nearly everyone on the ship is not very far from death. I have discussed this with the crew and quite a lot of them die on board and are quietly taken ashore at the next port. There are even those who just cruise perpetually because it can be done for about the same cost as going into an old-folks home, I met an old lady who did just that. Good luck to them I may even do it myself if ever, God forbid, I am in that position. So, I suppose you could describe a lot of cruise ships as Gods’ waiting room. And boring: most of them have only one topic of conversation, all the cruises they have been on, usually a lot, why Fred Olsen is better than P and O which of the Fred Olsen fleet is the best ship which they often incorrectly call a boat. All the places they have been and wherever you have been they can always go one better. If flying is the mass transportation of the working classes to get drunk in the sun then cruising is the transportation of the smug middle classes to wherever in the world a ship can tie up or drop anchor. Then they can go on a bus trip to tourist tat rip off shops and go home and bore their friends and relatives with tales of how they have done Jamaica, Sri Lanka, etc. while their kids look on and see their inheritances disappearing into a black hole, not that most of them deserve it anyway.
Further observations from a cruise ship, this time an Italian one Costa the same company that had one sink. I always thought all Italians were stylish and urbane, wrong. 90% of the men wore jeans all the time, some of the women were stylish but most of the men, especially the young ones, just didn’t have a clue and were scruffy. Usually, on cruise ships the staff are much more smartly dressed than the passengers. Most of the other cruise ships I have been on have formal evenings where the correct attire for the men is dinner jacket and black tie. The formal evenings on Costa were a bit more relaxed. Some of the Italians had amazing versions of formal wear, white shirt, black tie, no jacket, jeans and black and white chequered patent leather shoes, in one case. Hardly any of them ever wore jackets; usually on cruises men are expected to wear a jacket for dinner, even when the dress code is smart casual and this is how it should be. The Italians, like Russians, have no concept of queueing and you might be stood waiting for the lift, as soon as it arrives three or four of them would stick their elbows out and barge in front of you. I usually try to avoid the shows, but I got roped in several times: I consider it only polite and for the benefit of others to get there on time, but the Italians wandered in and out all through the show walking in front of you. Those who were not wandering in and out would sit there fiddling with their mobile phones all through the show.
On our ship there were about 75% Italians, 20% Germans and 5% English speaking this included Americans. One lunchtime we had the misfortune to be sat at a table with some of the other English passengers and what a load of whingers they were. “You can’t get a proper cup of tea” they don’t do this, they do that and they shouldn’t do that, we don’t like the tipping system. They actually said there are English people on this ship so they should do things the English way, excuse me if you want things doing the English way go on a fucking English ship. I didn’t particularly like the Italian way but “when in Rome you do as the Romans do”. Another thing I don’t like and this not peculiar to Italian ships is the “Animation Team” two words to strike fear into the hearts of those who have no wish to join in. And one thing the Italians were into was joining in, it was never quiet, and it happened all over the ship all the time, so it was almost impossible to find anywhere quiet, even the library was about the size of a lavatory cubicle and only open for two hours a day. Usually on days at sea I like to sit in the library or a quiet bar with my laptop and write my book, nothing was written on this cruise. The one thing that made it all bearable was the drinks package which was very good value, in fact the whole cruise was very good value.
One of the passengers was a huge Italian man, with his long-suffering wife, a surly looking teenage boy, two lovely little girls and a baby. We were sat near them at lunchtime on a couple of occasions, the staff always tried to put them on their own table. He would ask for a great big bowl of salad which I thought would be for all of them and a couple of other dishes. He then ate the whole lot while the rest of them sat drinking glasses of water. When he had finished they then all worked their way through the whole menu. As you would imagine the kids left most of what was put in front of them. Then he got up and closed the window blinds without asking anyone. What an arrogant, objectionable man and the absolute epitome of the sort of people the world could do without.
Travel is about going and living, maybe working or staying in another country for social, business or cultural reasons. Tourism is not travel, it is a massive waste of resources to fly or float all those people to gawp at temples and buy tacky souvenirs. Most of them don’t even seem to enjoy the experience they spend so much time and effort recording it, they don’t have time to experience it, they are only there so they can put it all on social media. Since I first wrote this we now have the selfie stick, which is the absolute epitome of all that is wrong in the world. I would rather wear a baseball cap and cover my body with tattoos than be seen with one of those. I was once in the Prado museum in Madrid, home of some of the world’s greatest art treasures. There were Japanese tourists literally running from room to room with lists of the pictures they should be seeing, as soon as they found one they ticked it off the list and ran off to find the next one, didn’t even look at it properly. I suppose the day will come when it can all be done virtually, and people won’t even have to move from home at least that will be better for the environment. Anyhow, must go its nearly time for afternoon tea and we missed lunch, having been on a on half day trip, don’t be tempted by the cakes. This will be followed by Bingo, I was one number away from winning 140 quid yesterday. I suppose cruising does have it uses good for a chill out and good if you are writing a book, just have to try and be a bit disciplined about the eating and drinking. Try to stick to protein and avoid the carbs. So, for breakfast a bit of fruit followed by a bit of bacon and egg or smoked haddock and a poached egg, no toast muffins, cakes, waffles, fried bread, hash browns etc. Lunch, maybe soup and a bit of fish or meat with veg or salad, avoid the tempting arrays of bread, puddings or biscuits with the cheese. Dinner usually quite easy because you get a lot of courses but very small portions and have the cheese without biscuits rather than a pudding. Drink is the most difficult, if you don’t have the drinks package it is very expensive, but with the drinks package you have the temptation of a permanent free bar. Much easier not to eat the fattening food. All I can say is avoid the cocktails which are incredibly fattening, I don’t have the will power not to have a couple of glasses of wine with lunch, but try to drink water as well, and more than a couple of glasses with dinner. If you are on a drinks package, you usually get wine by the glass and it is usually decent wine. But if the staff get fed up with constantly topping you up they will often leave the bottle on the table. No matter how careful you are you will still go home stuffed and a bit heavier but not 15 kilos heavier. Try to get a bit of exercise, don’t stand waiting for the lift with the fat bastards use the stairs there are usually a lot of stairs even on a fairly small ship. Walk the deck, there is usually a deck specifically for walking with a measured distance, So, if 4 laps of the lifeboat deck equals a mile try to do at least twelve laps a day at a brisk pace every little helps and at least you will feel virtuous and you will get to meet the only people of normal weight on the ship.
I may be preaching to the converted here, but a lot of people have never been on a cruise, so I am just giving them an idea of what to expect. There is usually a choice of where to eat and it costs no extra to eat in the proper dining room with silver service and a relaxed atmosphere. Fortunately, a lot of the hoi polloi tend to eat in the buffet restaurant, especially at lunchtime so you are spared sitting with the tattooed people in vests. The ones with children eat in the fast food pizza and burgher joints. There are sometimes specialist restaurants for which you pay extra, sometimes a lot extra and quite frankly in my experience they are not worth it. Norwegian Cruises, which confusingly are American have a lot of these and we once went on a cruise where the package included 4 nights in the themed restaurants, they were all quite disappointing and the main restaurant was good. One of them was an American style steakhouse, and we sat and watched an American guy on the next table eating his way through a 22oz Porterhouse steak. It would have done me for 4 good meals, even he struggled but ate his way through it with dogged determination. Then he made a fuss about having de-caff coffee, I thought blimey the damage has already been done mate.
I mentioned the loud music and activities everywhere on Italian ships, one finds the same thing on other holidays. Especially at pool bars, just because they invested a lot of money in a ten-billion-watt mega-blaster PA system they feel the need to play the birdie song and Euro pap at full blast all day and night long. As a friend of mine keenly observed you need to pay extra for a holiday not to have things like music everywhere, entertainment, kids clubs,etc. Probably I shouldn’t have been such a cheapskate, but quite a lot of years ago and we would book a cheap package holiday, often cheaper than the flight alone and just use it as a base. We would hire a car and travel about the locality sometimes even hundreds of miles and stay overnight somewhere else. I can remember one exception to the above when we had been out walking all day and came back and had a beer at the pool bar. I laid back on a sun bed and the barman was playing Bob Marley, just Bob Marley nothing else and it was brilliant and just the right volume.
Bye for now.
I walked up nearby Whitbarrow Scar today. It was, as much as anything, a test to see how fit I am, for one reason or another I haven’t managed to get out walking much recently. I have some people coming to stay at the weekend and one of them is threatening to organise a walk up Haystacks; I don’t want to be the one to hold them up. But I suspect that by the time we have been to Cartmel races on Saturday, been back to mine for a BBQ and had a few bevvies, Sunday will be a reading the paper day. However, to get to the point it is that time of year when a lot of nature’s bounty is getting ready to be harvested. I have large tangled areas of briars in my garden; I was going to strim them all but then I thought If I leave it to the back end I’ll get a crop of blackberries first. The problem is that we have had weeks of no rain and heat, followed by weeks of rain. There aren’t many good ones, some haven’t ripened at all, most are very small and sour and some have gone mouldy. Unfortunately, the situation is the same out in the countryside, I did find some patches of good ones and will be going back with my bags soon, I am sure they will still be there, most people don’t seem to bother these days.
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